My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage, by Gerald Rogers.
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about
my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of
things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I
loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I
would have had:
- Never Stop Courting
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you
asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER
HEART and to fiercely protect it.
This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be
entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in
your love.
- Protect Your Own Heart
Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must
guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the
world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one
must enter except for your wife.
Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
- Fall In Love Over And Over Again
You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when
you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you
are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each
other everyday.
SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her
heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out
completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to
win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
- Always See The Best In Her
Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you
focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you
focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.
Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and
you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be
have this woman as your wife.
- it’s Not Your Job To Change Or Fix Her
Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever
changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what
you wanted or not.
- Take Full Accountability…
…For your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy,
and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own
happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your
relationship and your love.
- Never Blame Your Wife If You…
get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering
something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your
responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present
and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is
asking to be healed.
You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best
suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way
so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer
be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
- Allow Your Woman To Just Be
When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job
to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her,
and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can
always lean.
The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her
emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging
she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S
UPSET.
Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere.
Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
- Be Silly…
Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
- Fill Her Soul Everyday…
Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels
important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10
THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a
priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
- Be Present
Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your
soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with
her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable
client. She is.
- Be Willing To Take Her Sexually…
To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume
her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the
deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as
she knows she can trust you fully.
- Don’t Be An Idiot
And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and
so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the
ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be
too stupid.
- Give Her Space
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will
need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will
need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and
if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing.
(Okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell
her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs
that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she
gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
- Be Vulnerable…
You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
- Be Fully Transparent
If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING…
Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to
fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i
she will like what she finds…
Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your
darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need
to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will
never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
- Never Stop Growing Together
The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh
and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle,
just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common
goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
- Don’t Worry About Money
Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It
never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both
persons strength to win.
- Forgive Immediately…
And focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past.
Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that
either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and
will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and
always choose love.
- Always Choose Love
ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If
this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is
governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your
marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work.
And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually
invest in creating something that can endure eternity.
Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it
will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to
learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and
perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned
too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying
forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get
married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that
will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those
those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those
couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love.
One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons
perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his
lady has been waiting for.
MEN – THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER.There is no
greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.
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